I started writing this a while back. I'm probably going to add to it, but for now it's a good stopping point. Let me know what you think.
“The stage is set. The curtain
rises. The story has ended.”
“What,” I said bewildered, “That
doesn’t make any sense.”
That magnificent man spun around to
face me. “Precisely,” he said pointing the top of his cane towards me, “It
doesn’t make any sense, to you.” He spun his cane around and pointed to
himself, “But it does to me.” He turned around, his cape billowed out
behind him as he strode to his bookshelf. His hand flourished as he
explained, “The stage is set, that’s obvious. The curtain rises, so the
audience can see the stage. But the story has ended, yes, it's possible.
Now, I’ll add another detail. The actors take their bow.”
It hit me, “Curtain call!”
Without turning, the man pointed
the jewel on his cane at me. “Precisely," he said, "it’s
time for the actors to take their final bow, and hear the applause. It’s
time for the orchestra to receive their own applause and recognition. It’s time
for the conductor to take his bow. Time for the extras to hear cheering just
for them. For the leads to find out if they have done their job well. And it’s
time to for the director to pat himself on the back for a job well done.
All that applause for all those people."
“Sir, is there a point to this?” I
asked.
“Of course not! I just like to
hear myself talk, and to seem clever,” he said spinning around again, “Do
you think I’m clever?”
I blinked at him and opened my
mouth to answer. He beat me to it.
“Of course you do! I’m the
cleverest thing out there, and I’m not just saying that just to say that. I’ve
met some clever people and every time I have out clevered them.” He winked at
me and spun his cane in the air for added flourish.
“Sir, is clevered even a word?” I
asked.
“Dunno, if it isn’t, well it is
now!” He turned around and pranced off towards a row of shelves that lead deep
into the magnificent library that went with that magnificent man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He had killed many people. He had
corrupted many souls. He created so many demons. His past became his past so
long ago, that he himself didn’t quite remember everything he did, or
everything he was, at least that’s what he told me. I used to wake up in
the middle of the night and find him in his conjuring room, working on
some complicated ancient spell that we both knew he would never get to
work. I always figured that those nights were the nights he remembered.
That man, that magnificent man. What demons did he create? I always wondered.
What souls has he corrupted? I don’t dare ask him my questions. One time I
brought it up, he got a look in his eye that I had never seen before and told
me, “You don’t want to know, not really.” That look. It was so unlike him. For
a brief moment, I saw past his magnificence and saw his soul, haunted and
fighting its own demons. I never asked him about demons or souls again. I still
wonder about them though. I remember the day I met him. It was the day my
parents died and my older sister left me. I was only eight then. Eight years
ago, I met him. That magnificent man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We lived in a small town that had a
small school and a small library that doubled as a book shop. It had a small
market and a small square and a few small shops along Main Street. It was
small, but the people were nice. It was one of those towns were everyone knows
everyone and word travels fast. My family lived in a small house just outside
of town. My sister, Violet, was fifteen at the time and fancied herself the
smartest and prettiest girl in town. My family owned the library that doubled
as a book shop. Mom worked as the librarian. She tended
to help kids with their English papers and any research they
had. Father took care of the business side of things. He kept track of
what books had just come out and which books might sell the best. It was a nice
place on the corner of Main Street and West Nightingale. It was right next to
Mrs. Pasley’s Café. People would buy their coffee, pick up a book and sit at
one of the tables out front. We had a deal with Mrs. Pasley, who was
actually a Ms. Pasley, but thought Mrs. sounded better. If one of her
customers showed us their receipt from her café, they would get a
discount, or extended loan, on a book. If one of our customers showed her
their receipt from us, they would get a discount on a medium coffee, or
tea, and a free cookie. The promotion would run once every two or three
months for two weeks. “Too keep the novelty of it,” my father would say.
Each time both establishments would get nice revenue boost. Life was good. But
that day, my old life ended.
I was at school when it happened. A
man came in to our library-book shop. Why he did what he did, no one knows. He
shot himself after he shot my parents. Father was in the back, taking inventory
of the new shipment of books; Mom was at the front desk, reading. He came in
when the place was empty. Mom was shot first; point blank and straight through
her head. Father was next; same way, point blank, and straight through. My
sister was the one who found them. She had just come in to start her shift. She
saw Mom, dead, her blood dripping from the back of the chair. Her book
was on the floor, stained red from the blood on the ground. Violet ran
into the back room to find Father, but tripped over his body and the gunman's.
She ran outside, covered in blood, and finally screamed.
Mrs. Pasley came and got me out of
school. She kept me at the café while the police examined the bodies and the
scene. My sister got questioned about what she found. It was almost dinner
time when they let us go. Violet was silent as we walked home. She stopped at
the end of our drive way and told me that she couldn’t handle going back
to our house or the shop. A car pulled up and a guy that I hadn’t seen
before got out. She handed him her bag and gave him a long kiss. Then she said
good bye before getting in the car with him and driving off towards who knows
where. That was the last time I saw her. I went up to the house and packed a
suitcase with some clothes and my favorite books. I grabbed the money from my piggy
bank and some food. I still don’t know why I left that house, but I did. I
walked back down the driveway and looked at the road. If I went straight, I
would be going back into town. If I went right, I would be following my sister.
I didn’t know which way left went, but I went there anyway. I walked a while,
passing a few more houses before seeing the “Thank you for visiting” sign. I
ate the food I brought and walked some more. Night had fallen and I wasn’t sure
if I wanted to keep going or rest for the night. That’s when I met him.
“Are you lost?” he asked. He was
wearing a long gold coat and had a silk hat to match. In his hand was a staff,
or cane of sorts that had a blue gem on the top. His eyes were a dazzling
emerald and his hair was dark blond with highlights. He was a little bit taller
than my father. I blinked back at him, my mind still processing the man and
what he was asking. He chuckled and asked again, “Are you lost?”
“Well, I’m not dead, if that’s
what you’re asking,” I said. That's when everything caught up to me, “My
parents are lost though and I won’t ever get them back. They lost to a man with
a gun. My sister is lost as well, ran off with some guy I’ve never seen. I
suppose I’m lost as well, I don’t know where I am or where I’m going.”
He looked stunned to hear such
words come from an eight year old’s mouth. Then he got a look, a look I would
come to know as the “I might be mad, but I have an idea” look. He crouched down
to my level and looked me straight in the eye. “You seem to have a decent head
on your shoulders. Tell me, are you bright, quick-witted, or maybe even
brilliant?”
I looked at him quizzically and
said, “My teacher would always write on my essays, ‘very well written’ and ‘why
are you the only one who actually got the point of this.”
His eyes lit up and he smiled.
“Come live with me,” he said, “I know I’m just this strange man you’ve just met
on the side of the road, but come live with me. Trust me, please.” He stood up
and held his hand out to me.
I looked at his hand and up at him
then back at his hand. I wondered if it was a trick, if he was just going to
dump me somewhere else if I went with him. I looked back at him and something
told me that if I went with him, my life would change. I decided that he was
better than wandering aimlessly. I took his hand and said, “Okay. I’ll go with
you.”
Thoughts. Some may be obvious/things you already know, but nonetheless:
ReplyDelete1) 2nd line, the story of my life.
2) The transition from the first to second part (chapters I guess?) went from 0 to 100 real fucking quick. Nice, especially considering I alluded the guy to myself. I went from being a smart mouth to murdering tons of people. Sweet! Thanks Satan!
3) If you intended really dark and gory descriptions of the crime scene, add some more detail. Otherwise this level of detail fits with trends from the few books I've read. Not overly bad or good per-say, just expected. Common.
4) If the magnificent man is the only name he goes by, shouldn't it be Magnificent Man (as a proper noun)? Just a thought.
5) The Magnificent Man sounds a great deal like the DC character John Constantine. Whether intentional or not, you may want to revise it a tad. Here is the wiki page, although the wiki page won't give you much detail about his behavior as you would reading about him in the comics.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Constantine
6) That whole running away scene needs a bit of work. How about you get the main character involved in some crime/self-deprivation like drugs, getting into a gang, prostitution of some kind (even if the main character is a guy, but I get the impression it's a girl), or all of the above! How sickening I love it!
11/15 would murder and ruin souls again.
To revise even my own comment, I slightly regret my suggestion for number six. What would be cool is develop the main character to be into highly agreeable moral/value, then crush that motherfucker with everything in the complete opposite direction of all of them. To make it even cooler, try to make it so that the 180 isn't even some stereotypical crime. By stereotypical I mean something like prostitution if it was a girl, drugs if it were a guy.
DeleteI don't know why but I'm really good at making characters with the sole purpose of being destroyed later... Don't ask... Or do. I don't mind talking. I always have something to say, as you can obviously see.