So it seems I might actually do a Criminal Minds week. The BAU team is faced with all kinds of creepy, crazy, and strange. However, they seem to have a few moments of calm, generally before and/or after the case they had that episode and sometimes in the middle of a case. These are some of the moments/quotes that I found to be amusing in the middle of whatever chaos the team was facing. Really it's mostly just a bunch of quotes that have sarcasm... and/or Reid. Be warned, this post is pretty long. These quotes are pulled from the first 3 seasons and a couple from the 4th season. I don't think there are any major spoilers in these quotes. I might do the bookend quotes tomorrow or later this week, we'll see. So for now, Sanders out.
1x01 "Extreme Aggressor"
(Making Introductions)
Hotch: This is Special Agent Gideon, Special Agent Morgan, our expert on obsessional crimes, Special Agent Reid.
Gideon: (clarifying) Doctor Reid.
Hotchner: Dr. Reid, our expert on, well, everything, and after two years busting my butt in this office, I hope you remember me.
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Hotch: I'm Agent Hotchner. This is Special Agent Dr. Reid.
Woodland: You look too young to have gone to medical school.
Reid: They're Ph.D.s. - three of them.
Woodland: Are you a genius or something?
Reid: I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute -(Strange look of Woodland) yes, I'm a genius.
1x02 "Compulsion"
Gideon: No badges. I don’t want to satisfy the unsub’s need for attention by letting him know the FBI is here. Try not to look official. (looks at the team) Try to look less official.
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Morgan: You know there’s got to be a faster way to do this. How about we just change the first question to ‘have you recently dated a homicidal pyromaniac?’
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Morgan: (after entering the apartment) OCD? I'm thinking OMG.
Elle: OMG?
Morgan: Oh My God
1x05 "Broken Mirror"
Reid: I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think I do.
Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?
Reid: Every day since I met you.
Elle: This morning at breakfast.
Hotchner: Yesterday when he beat you at cards.
1x10 "The Popular Kids"
Morgan: So tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night? Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook? No, no, no. Working on cold fusion? No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at all the Physics mistakes?
Reid: Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors.
Morgan: Right.
1.16 "The Tribe"
Blackwolf: [to Gideon] You look like a college professor. [to Reid] You look like his student. [to Hotchner] You look like FBI.
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Blackwolf: There are many paths to the same place. Trust me.
Hotchner: Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie.
1x17 "A Real Rain"
Reid: I'd like to see New York.
Morgan: You've never been to New York?
Reid: We've never had an unsub there.
Hotchner: [to Gideon] I thought you were going to talk to Reid about taking some vacation time.
Gideon: What's vacation time?
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Reid: [to the waitress, after having difficulty with his chopsticks] Excuse me, could I get a fork perhaps? [group laughs] Did you know that experts credit Confucius with the advent of the chopstick. He equated knives with acts of aggression.
Morgan: You don't know how to use them, do ya?
Reid: It's like trying to forage for dinner with a pair of number two pencils. It’s absolutely incredible, 1.3 billion people stay nourished because of these things.
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Officer: So are we looking for an ex-con or some nut job with an Amazon account?
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Female Officer: [after hearing the unsub's profile] So we're looking for a small, angry, white guy with a day job?
Officer #2: Maybe it's Wilson.
[The assembled officers laugh]
1x20 "Charm & Harm"
Gideon: [after finding Gregory's fake IDs] Look at all these driver's licenses, he could start his own DMV.
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[Elle's phone rings]
Morgan: Aww, that must be the boyfriend. [Grinning]
Elle: Yes, it is. [answers phone] Hey, Gideon.[Morgan's grin disappears]
2x06 "The Boogeyman"
Reid: Garcia, I'm sitting in the dark alone, thanks.
Garcia: While you're waiting for a potential murderer to come home? Kind of dangerous. Kind of sexy.
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Garcia: Reid, seriously, people that go inside that house never come out. Spooky.
Reid: Garcia, could you at least pretend not to enjoy that rumor so much since I have actually entered the house?
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Morgan: Yeah Reid, why are you still afraid of the dark?
Reid: Because of the inherent absence of light!
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Gideon: Unopened bowls of creamed spinach thrown into the trash, each one wrapped with duct tape.
Reid: One with each tray.
Morgan: So we're looking for a guy who really, really, hates spinach.
Reid: Who doesn't?
2x12 "Profiler Profiled"
JJ: Nothing's happening.
Reid: Shhh watch! [the rocket launches, JJ and Garcia scream, and it hits Emily in the head]
Emily: Ooh ow, what?
Reid: Oh, I am so sorry Emily!
Emily: What was that?
Garcia: Don't you recognize a rocket when you see one?
Reid: I was merely demonstrating a physics law. I didn't mean to..
Emily: Ooh show me!
Reid: Alright, uh, turn around, please.
Emily: Turn around?
JJ: Yeah, he's not going to show you how it's done.
Reid: A magician never reveals his secrets.
Emily: I thought you said this was physics?
Reid: Physics magic.
Garcia: Trust me, it will not do you any good to argue with him.
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[the rocket lands at Hotchner's feet]
Hotchner: Physics magic?
Reid: Yes, sir.
Hotchner: Reid, we talked about this.
Reid: I'm sorry, sir.
Hotchner: [smiling] You're really starting to get some distance on these things.
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Morgan: The FBI invented this stuff, you simple bastard. We teach it.
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Morgan: [looking outside the one way mirror] I can wait as long as you guys can!
2x13 "No Way Out, Part 1"
Hotchner: [introducing the team to the sheriff] Aaron Hotchner. This is Derek Morgan and the guy who sometimes forgets his manners is Jason Gideon.
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Reid: A psycho with a whistle. That's not too weird
2x14 "The Big Game"
Prentiss: [watching Morgan dance between two women] Hey, Morgan, be careful. The one in the back could steal your wallet!
Morgan: That's all right; I'll be a broke, happy man!
2x19 "Ashes to Dust"
Garcia: Brace yourselves. I'm going to teach you the meaning of L.U.S.T.
Gideon: Did she say lust?
Garcia: I cross-referenced every known fact on the victims and I just found a website that links both Dennis Cutler and Mathew Jarvis' companies on a list of businesses guilty of L.U.S.T.
Hotchner: I'm missing something.
Garcia: Leaking Underground Storage Tanks.
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Gideon: When he arrives, bring the fake bodies right past us nice and slow. I want him to get a good look.
Lt. Vega: Remind me never to play poker with you guys.
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Det. Castro: I’ll issue an APB for a resentful six-foot white guy.
2x21 "Open Season"
Prentiss: Ladies, this is Brad, a real FBI agent.
Garcia: Really?
Prentiss: Really.
JJ: No way.
Prentiss: [nods] Mm-hmm.
Garcia: That's exciting! What's it like at Quan-ti-co?
Brad: It's uh, quite impressive.
JJ: What department are you in?
Brad: That's classified.
JJ: Oooo. Must be tough keeping all those secrets.
Brad: It’s a skill, like anything else. Carpenters are good at building stuff, measuring. The FBI’s good at keeping secrets and kicking criminal ass.
Prentiss: Wow. Well, somebody's gotta do it. Ooh, do you have to carry your gun and badge with you everywhere you go?
Brad: Affirmative.
Prentiss: Can we see it?
Brad: See what?
Prentiss: Your badge.
Garcia: Please?
Brad: I'm sorry, that's--
Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia: "Classified".
Prentiss: [she holds up her badge] Tell me Brad, does it look anything like this?
JJ: [hold up hers] Or this?
Garcia: [holds up hers] Or maybe, this?
[Brad hurries away]
2x22 "Legacy"
Prentiss: How’d you guys do?
Hotchner: Well Reid got propositioned by every prostitute we talked to, but we didn’t find anybody who thinks they’d seen the unsub.
3x01 "Doubt"
Gideon: How long can you hold that lawyer off?
Hotchner: Are you kidding? I was a prosecutor; I can hold him off for days.
3x02 "In Birth and Death"
Garcia: (answering phone) Talk dirty to me.
Section Chief Erin Strauss: This is Section Chief Erin Strauss.
Garcia: (horrified and red-faced) Ma'am, I think it goes without saying that I was expecting it to be someone else.
Garcia: (answering phone later) FBI Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia speaking.
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Section Chief Erin Strauss: So do we have a working theory?
Morgan: Sure we do. Somebody really doesn’t like women.
3x04 "Children of the Dark"
Carrie Ortiz: I've earned some capital here, I should be able to spend it however I want.
Mr. Ortiz: Who are you, George Bush?
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JJ: Oh, you can buy a hand-held jammer online for what… a hundred bucks?
Lt. Nellis: I could use one of those the next time I go to the movies.
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Prentiss: These guys are killing the Cleavers.
Reid: Strange.
Hotchner: The pattern?
Reid: No, the Cleavers. Of all the names for a 1950s idyllic TV family. I mean it’s rife with violent implication. Kind of makes you wonder how the writers really felt about suburbia, huh?
Hotchner: Focus, please!
3x06 "About Face"
Hotchner: She could buy a gun that easily?
Det. Yarborough: This is Texas.
3x07 "Identity"
Prentiss: (teasing Reid about coloring in a map) You know, I could have gotten you a coloring book at the airport.
Reid: I’m creating a topographical map, weighing down and geocoding all key locations, looking for algorithms.
Prentiss: (nods, confused) Yeah. That’s exactly what I thought you were doing
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JJ: That's the third time I've been hung up on.
Rossi: Try not saying FBI.
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Reid: A popular theory among leading astrophysicists estimate that the hyper-matter reactor would need about 10 to the 32nd joules of energy to destroy a planet the size of earth. Now, Lucas said it took 19 years to build the first death star right, but if you look at the new essential chronology there’s a test bed prototype for a super laser that’s been…(Morgan walks away) Where you going?
Morgan: Taking back the last five minutes of my life
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Goehring: In feudal times, the lord lived on high ground to spot the invader. He had serfs to serve his kingdom. The lord never had to leave his castle. The serfs would bring him everything. They were the appendages of his will.
Prentiss: We have 11 more tapes of this?
3x09 "Penelope"
Hotch: [considering if the killer shot Garcia just to steal her purse.] Why does he risk coming into an enclosed courtyard?
Rossi: World's boldest purse snatching?
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Garcia: [To Reid and Morgan] When I was in the ambulance I could hear the song 'Heroes' playing in my head. Everything was really bright, I kept flashing in and out of consciousness, and I remember thinking, 'Wait. Is David Bowie really God?'
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Morgan: Take this gun.
Garcia: I don't believe in guns.
Morgan: Ok, trust me they are very real. Take it.
4x08 "Masterpiece"
Reid: I hold doctorates in Chemistry, Mathematics, and Engineering, as well as BAs in Psychology and Sociology.
Audience Member: How old are you?
Reid: Uh, 27, yeah, as of last month, 27...I'm also completing an additional BA in philosophy. Which, reminds me that I have a joke. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Rossi: (Mouths) Don't...
Reid: [delighting in his own joke] Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes in incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a Nether World of cosmic nothingness [laughs] Um, an existentialist-
Rossi: OK! Before he does his quantum physics knock-knock joke
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Rossi: You do know we want them to actually JOIN the bureau?
Reid: What? Yeah.
Rossi: We want these kids to think it's a cool place to work.
Reid: No, I understand that.
Rossi: Existentialism?
Reid: Existentialism? That was a funny joke, what do you mean?
Rossi: Yeah, to Sigmund Freud.
Reid: I tell them to stop sending me here, but they keep on sending me here and I don't know why!
Rossi: Because you're young.
Reid: Young...or Jung?
